apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
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who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
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you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.