Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
