If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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