Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
