Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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