Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
