Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
