What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
