the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
