I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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