ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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