it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
