I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
