Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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