someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
