So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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