The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
