How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
