I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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