the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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