I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
