what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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