No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
