You're completely useless in the revolution.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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