Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
