Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
