the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
