He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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