I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
