He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
