The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
