and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
