And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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