looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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