I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
