My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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