She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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