the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
