I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize