I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
