I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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