I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize