mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
