i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Randomize
