I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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