my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
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I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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