Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
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