I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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