Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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