4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Jerry, you need to find god
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
