Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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