The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I need moral support for this bender
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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