woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
