thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
