nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
