The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
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Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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